Hello? Silver lining? Are you there?
I'm afraid I've found myself in a bit of a rump lately - something that we all go through, especially freshman, but does that necessarily make it easier? Through my struggles and concerns (and boy do I have a lot), I've been told that "I'm just a freshman, I don't need to have my life put together yet" which just doesn't work for me. If you have gotten to know me, you'd learn that I have never been someone who likes to just "wing it". I understand the saying, in theory, but when I think about "relaxing" because, after all, I "have four years ahead of me to figure my life out" I think it's quite silly. Silly because I feel that every decision I make, school-related, can affect me. Affect me whether it's towards the major I want to pursue, affect me by being a "wasted" class that I don't end up needing now that I've switched majors, affect me by being a class too hard and challenging where I have to re-take it, due to failing it the first time. You get the point.
*Pause. If you find too much negativity in this post, or it's bringing you down, I apologize and suggest you close this page instantly. I am sharing my thoughts on my online journal and I suppose I'm destined to have bad days every once in a while, right?*
I guess I feel so lost lately because I feel that I am losing the person I once defined myself as. I hide back tears as I admit that I, who once considered myself a strong student, a self-advocate, and intelligent individual, is now having worries that I've never dealt with before. Am I going to be able to pass this class? Should I rewrite these notes for a third time, in hope of being able to remember the material? What if the accommodations I am receiving for my hearing are only slowing me down? Am I dumb? Am I going to have a GPA high enough to study abroad? When did I lose my love for school and learning? I never would have imagined in a million years that I would have to ask myself these questions. I knew that college was going to be hard, but I don't think I fully realized that there was a possibility of having my straight A and B's days gone. I am in love with the school I am attending and my social life is fun. I am generally in a very happy place, but then you just kind of have moments of realization like this.
I've always been a worry wart, that I am aware of. That could possibly explain some of the reasoning behind my meltdown, and once again, I apologize. As they say, you are your own worse enemy.... I guess what I'm concluding to, is I would love some words of advice and personal stories to be shared. When does it get easier? ....Does it get easier? What are the best ways to work through this? How were you able to find the silver lining behind these dark clouds?
0 comments: